being yourself

How many of us wear masks? Well, for starters, Amitabh Bacchan definitely does, if the bombay times is to be believed. How does this mask come to be? Or the more important question here is, how do we manage to remain our true selves without screwing up the masked person? Can we really pull off such an impossible task? Apparently, yes. In fact, most of us are doing it 24/7.

Ok lets start from the basics. When we were children, we never really cared what others thought of us as long as we could play, get toys, etc. And guess what? Most people I know love children. So children dont have this impossible task of building an alternate personality. They got along fine, right?

Then we grew up. Now we had to care about whether our teachers, friends thought of us.We may not have wanted to, but society has this way of conditioning you to the point where it seems utterly necessary that other people think youre a good kid. Ok, I still understand the point. The changes expected from a kid werent that much and mostly restricted to academics.

Enter the adolescent. Now we want to look cool. Or worse, we actually want to impress someone or a set of someones.And most teenagers can bend themselves backwards trying to fit in. Thankfully, this phase passes through.

Now, all these experiences we have shape us into who we are essentially. It may not be as good as we want it to be, but its who we are. And for better or for worse, I think we should love who we are. I do.

Suppose being who we are doesn't work to our advantage? Then what does one do?

Some extremely smart ass human beings thought over this problem and came up with a simple solution. Change.

That simple, huh. But there's a catch. You can't change actually. What you have to change is the perception of people around you. Now, this is easier said than done.

Most times, it may imply that you say or do things that you never otherwise would have said or done. And when you are saying or doing it, it feels fake. It feels like you're cheating yourself, and there is a constant fear of being caught in the act.

But as people of the world, we must bring about this change.because its the only way of protecting your actual self from changing. This is sad but true.Because we are constantly bombarded by people who are waiting to judge us, and we don't have the time to let them understand where we are coming from. So change people, its what everyone is doing now!
The important thing is not to lose yourself in this change. Remember at all times that you're inside that mask and it must come off in front of people you love.

We also change for a variety of other reasons.I have a lot of qualities that I dont like. There are parts of me that are dirty, from inside. My heart and soul aren't ideal. There is an unwanted amount of hate, bitterness, sadness, fear and anger that I suppress most times. But people who know can find out. And when you have to be emotionally naked, it saps you of all courage. Not because the other person knows. No, that's not it. It's because I have to finally face what I hid from myself all these years. It's a part of me that I consciously chose to ignore. I know I have to face it someday, but I keep postponing it. The day I manage to look at all that filth in my heart and make peace with it, I know I'll be a better person. I know I'll be complete, whole.

I'm a dancer.Hence, I need to emote a lot. For years, I was only taught to dance to devotional songs, because that was the one emotion I had been experiencing from the time I was a child and could easily relate to. After learning dance for almost 13 years, my teacher asked me to perform a romantic number. During the rehearsals, I would always end up giggling at the parts where Radha was supposed to feel shy. Believe me, I didn't laugh because I was a teenager and naive. I laughed because I could never understand how anyone could have such love for anyone else.It seemed almost too filmi for me. I struggled to relate. I could never portray intense emotions such as anger, love hate, or disgust. And it killed me from inside because I wanted to be able to portray them badly. When a dancer goes on stage, she can't lie, my teacher used to say. She becomes vulnerable to the audience, because she is an open book. Whatever she feels, it has to be in front of them. For a long time, I wanted to understand why I couldn't portray love. The love between a man and a woman.
Then, once my teacher told me I have to open myself to experiencing these emotions. As a person, when confronted by say, extreme sadness, we tend to create a fortress around our heart and don't even allow ourselves inside it. We don't allow ourselves to feel. And only if I feel, I can understand. Only if I understand and experience, I can emote.

I don't know if I'm ready to allow myself to experience these emotions. As long as that is there, I'll never be a better dancer. But I'm scared to reveal me to myself. I'm afraid I'll hate me, I'll judge myself for all the dirty things inside me.

And unfortunately, I can only wash the dirt that's on the outside. The dirt inside me stays and I dont know how to go about cleaning it.

BEING YOURSELF

WHAT HAPPENED TO SIMPLE FAITH IN GOD?

I recently went to a small town north of Kerala, where an ashram is located(Anandashram). My family has been going there for a long time and it a spiritual haven of sorts. In addition, it is lush with greenery throughout the year, located at the base of a hill and literally is paradise on earth if you ask me.

The reason I went there was to seek our spiritual master's blessing before I started my very first job and also for some quiet time away from the crowded, noisy city.
In Anandashram, there are various activities that go on throughout the day that people can engage themselves in. One of these is a reading satsang. Swamiji reads out aloud from texts written by great saints and spiritual masters, and after reading a small portion, there is an interactive session.

It is one such interactive session that got me thinking about the topic in question. GOD. SIMPLE FAITH.

During the interactive session, an attempt is made to understand what the writer tries to convey through the text. Now, this is easier said than done. To top it, people come up with all sorts of unimaginable questions!
Now, this reading is one of the things I look forward to most whenever I go to ashram. For me, it provides an insight into the minds of the greatest men in the world. But I never question.

This time, during the session, an elderly man, apparently quite well read, asked swamiji why ego was an unnecessary quality that all of us posess. Don't we need it in daily life? He even went on to say that in the dvaitha philosophy ( where god and the devotee are separate as opposed to the advaitha philosophy where the seeker and god are supposed to be one), posession of ego is advocated for daily life. Then he asked why 'god realization' could not be attained with ego.What does ego have to do with being humble? After this, many other people came up with such questions and it went on.

Needless to say, I was baffled by all of this. How and why someone comes up with these questions is beyond my realm of understanding. I know a variety of people with varying degrees of belief, and I have never understood why this whole confusion/ curiosity about god exists in people's mind.

What happened to simple faith? God is a concept/ guiding force that is constantly with us everywhere (omniscient and omnipresent). God makes us believe that we must be good human beings as far as possible. When we get into difficult situation god gives us the courage to face it and solve the problem. Thats it. God is a guiding force that takes care of everyone and everything in the universe. Go pray everyday, thank god for making your life good and pray that he'll always be with you. Thatsit. That's what I believe and will do so for as long as I breathe and live.

That's all we had in the beginning. Simple faith. It came pre-installed in us when we were born. Then when, how, and why did we lose it?

What happened to simple faith? Why do people find it so difficult to believe that faith is all you need to face anything in life. Faith that nothing will be bad, faith that everything is for the good, faith that as long as we have faith, we'll be ok.

Faith is the need of the hour. Simple, unshakeable, strong faith in god.
But, does it really exist in today's world?

i am lost

this blog is in desparate need of vision, direction and focus.

so until something really comes pouring out of soul, i wont be keen on writing about mundane things that happen in my life.

until inspiration beckons, ciao!

Quick gun Murugan?

so yesterday night i finally went for the movie detailing the misadventuring of an indian cowboy!

i was looking forward to the movie for quite some time, but sadly, it didnt live up to my expextations.

the main character, an outrageously dressed gun toting, vegetarian cowboy is an excellent concept. for that matter, all the characters are fantastic.

the villian, rice plate reddy, is the typical south indian villian of the 80s, and the mannerisms like the laugh, the greed, etc are very on the spot.

apart from that, theres gunpowder who loves non-veg, is the villian's no 1 guy, and hes forcing all the udipi hotels to sell non veg dosas! sadly he gets killed by the hero within the first 10 minutes of the movie.

then theres locket lover, anu menon, our very own lola kutty. shes brilliant, but shes not around too much.sad.

then theres mango dolly, the bar dancer and rice plate reddy's "keep" who has a heart of gold. predictably, she falls in love with quick gun and dies at the end in his arms.

rowdy mba does his part perfectly.

point is, the characters are par brilliance, the acting is great, but somehow, something is "missing"?
it just doesnt mesh well. maybe it needs mothers love? hehe.

apart from that, the other important is that to most south indians who watch tamil channels, this stuff if there everyday.that exactly was my father's point. throughout the movie, he kept wondering why people would pay to see something that was on sun tv and ktv everyday?

so the movie does have a few ribtickling moments. and there were people in the theater howling with laughter. i just dunno why.

anyway, my advice is this- if you're a south indian, dont go to the movies. rent it or watch it when it comes on tv. if you're from some other part of india then go see it but dont expect too much.

thatsit for this blog. the next one will most prolly be a detailed discussion on toilets! yep you heard it right!