being yourself

How many of us wear masks? Well, for starters, Amitabh Bacchan definitely does, if the bombay times is to be believed. How does this mask come to be? Or the more important question here is, how do we manage to remain our true selves without screwing up the masked person? Can we really pull off such an impossible task? Apparently, yes. In fact, most of us are doing it 24/7.

Ok lets start from the basics. When we were children, we never really cared what others thought of us as long as we could play, get toys, etc. And guess what? Most people I know love children. So children dont have this impossible task of building an alternate personality. They got along fine, right?

Then we grew up. Now we had to care about whether our teachers, friends thought of us.We may not have wanted to, but society has this way of conditioning you to the point where it seems utterly necessary that other people think youre a good kid. Ok, I still understand the point. The changes expected from a kid werent that much and mostly restricted to academics.

Enter the adolescent. Now we want to look cool. Or worse, we actually want to impress someone or a set of someones.And most teenagers can bend themselves backwards trying to fit in. Thankfully, this phase passes through.

Now, all these experiences we have shape us into who we are essentially. It may not be as good as we want it to be, but its who we are. And for better or for worse, I think we should love who we are. I do.

Suppose being who we are doesn't work to our advantage? Then what does one do?

Some extremely smart ass human beings thought over this problem and came up with a simple solution. Change.

That simple, huh. But there's a catch. You can't change actually. What you have to change is the perception of people around you. Now, this is easier said than done.

Most times, it may imply that you say or do things that you never otherwise would have said or done. And when you are saying or doing it, it feels fake. It feels like you're cheating yourself, and there is a constant fear of being caught in the act.

But as people of the world, we must bring about this change.because its the only way of protecting your actual self from changing. This is sad but true.Because we are constantly bombarded by people who are waiting to judge us, and we don't have the time to let them understand where we are coming from. So change people, its what everyone is doing now!
The important thing is not to lose yourself in this change. Remember at all times that you're inside that mask and it must come off in front of people you love.

We also change for a variety of other reasons.I have a lot of qualities that I dont like. There are parts of me that are dirty, from inside. My heart and soul aren't ideal. There is an unwanted amount of hate, bitterness, sadness, fear and anger that I suppress most times. But people who know can find out. And when you have to be emotionally naked, it saps you of all courage. Not because the other person knows. No, that's not it. It's because I have to finally face what I hid from myself all these years. It's a part of me that I consciously chose to ignore. I know I have to face it someday, but I keep postponing it. The day I manage to look at all that filth in my heart and make peace with it, I know I'll be a better person. I know I'll be complete, whole.

I'm a dancer.Hence, I need to emote a lot. For years, I was only taught to dance to devotional songs, because that was the one emotion I had been experiencing from the time I was a child and could easily relate to. After learning dance for almost 13 years, my teacher asked me to perform a romantic number. During the rehearsals, I would always end up giggling at the parts where Radha was supposed to feel shy. Believe me, I didn't laugh because I was a teenager and naive. I laughed because I could never understand how anyone could have such love for anyone else.It seemed almost too filmi for me. I struggled to relate. I could never portray intense emotions such as anger, love hate, or disgust. And it killed me from inside because I wanted to be able to portray them badly. When a dancer goes on stage, she can't lie, my teacher used to say. She becomes vulnerable to the audience, because she is an open book. Whatever she feels, it has to be in front of them. For a long time, I wanted to understand why I couldn't portray love. The love between a man and a woman.
Then, once my teacher told me I have to open myself to experiencing these emotions. As a person, when confronted by say, extreme sadness, we tend to create a fortress around our heart and don't even allow ourselves inside it. We don't allow ourselves to feel. And only if I feel, I can understand. Only if I understand and experience, I can emote.

I don't know if I'm ready to allow myself to experience these emotions. As long as that is there, I'll never be a better dancer. But I'm scared to reveal me to myself. I'm afraid I'll hate me, I'll judge myself for all the dirty things inside me.

And unfortunately, I can only wash the dirt that's on the outside. The dirt inside me stays and I dont know how to go about cleaning it.