Loss

Recently, a childhood friend of mine lost his father. This friend is one of the most eccentric, funny, loving men that I have known. We went together on our first day of school. He grew up an introvert, me an extrovert. Somewhere along the way, we lost touch, then again, we found each other. One of those people you can open your heart to. You could meet him after years and feel like you saw him yesterday.
He grew up a nerd, did everything differently. Today, he works at CERN.

He told me last week he lost his Dad. His Appa.

I was stunned. His father was young and in good health. But life is such. This one is for you Achintya.

Achintya, I wish there was a way I could make it better for you. I know you miss Appa. I wish it wasn't meant to be this way. I wish I could hug you till the pain went away. It pains me when I see you smile through your pain, making sure others are comfortable. It hurts when I see that you can't grieve easily. I wish you would. I know how loss feels. There are still days when I wish my grandfather was here to see what I've grown to become. He taught me all that I know. There is an empty feeling. He passed away in front of me, and it hurt so much.

We all have to move on. We all don't want to.

I just wish you'd let yourself go.

I love you and will be here always.

Hugs,
me.

The existential dilemma

In the process of writing the above essay, I've had to force myself to do a fair amount of self introspection. I was struggling to write the essay forever, every time I managed to write something, it lacked conviction. Day before yesterday I couldn't sleep restfully. I was squirming in bed all night, tossing and turning. Then yesterday it struck me. I realized the reason I was struggling with the essay was not because I didn't know what to write, it was because I truly didn't have any idea of where I wanted to see myself three years down the line. In fact, I have no clue about what I want to do in life. I'm goalless. The classic existential dilemma.


I've always wanted to know what my true calling is. What is the one thing that I can do day and night, tirelessly, with full enthusiasm, that will make me feel like my life has purpose? The question occurred to me when I was sixteen. I had finished my board exams, and had to take my first big decision. Science, arts or commerce? One part of me wanted to chuck it all and pursue a diploma in Indian classical dance. But I was afraid of treading off the beaten track. After very little thinking, I decided I would continue in the science stream because it had maximum flexibility. I could switch anytime I wanted. First mistake. I should have forced myself to think properly then. After twelfth, I found myself sitting in a microbiology class, not understanding one syllable of what the professor was saying. I bolted after a month. First time I realized that I could figure out clearly what wasn't working for me. I joined electrical engineering, again I must admit without much thought. But it turned out to be a good decision. The first class I sat for, even though I hated the subject and the teacher, I felt I was in the right place. By second year, I developed a liking for electrical subjects. I'll even go so far as to say some of the subjects fascinated me. There were days I read Boylestead all day, and realized the time only at night.

My single goal in engineering was to get a job. I wanted financial independence. Clear and simple. I realized that money was what I wanted. Sad in many ways, but there it is. Not that I didn't have interests. Fabrics fascinated me. I guess I got that by looking at my mother's saris. I dreamed of my own store, where there were reams of silk, muslin and all sorts of exotic cloth, and people could come and create their own personalized dresses with the help of a designer who worked with the store. But I knew nothing and nobody in the field, and after making detailed notes on the idea for a month, I gave up.

Third year, I got into student placement. Most memorable time of my engineering days when Jobin and me sat in the placement cell, collating data, discussing about companies. Great fun.I got into L&T and thought it was a big deal. Finally, financial independence was within reach.

I started work. My first group was nuclear power plants. Great people, good fun.Spent four months there. Then, rather unceremoniously, I was chucked out. I found myself in submarine design. Not bad, it has the cool factor. But here I am, after almost three years in submarines. I'm not saying it's boring. It's actually quite interesting. Fascinating really. But my heart isn't in it.I was just going where life took me, never taking control in my own hands. Never realized I could.

When I started work, I also brought some craft supplies and started making bookmarks. I actually got pretty good. Stick man managed to start a small enterprise. World of muffet's designs I called it. Stick man calls me muffet. I think we made all of five hundred grand rupees. I'm positive I spent more than that. To cut a long story short, it fizzled out.

I want to break free now. I think it will be interesting to do an MBA. Management as a subject has always interested me. It is the one skill that can make or break an idea. I am itching to sit in a classroom again, and learn. Take notes, study how business models failed or made it, stuff like that.

What I really want to do in terms of a career? Well, I'd like to start a small cozy cafe. There'll primarily be desserts, but also coffee and savories. I'm happiest when I'm making a chocolate cake or a pasta in the kitchen. I could do it for hours and hours and then sleep with a smile on my face. I may not be a great cook, but I'm willing to do what it takes.

I can't very well write that in the essay. I have no capital or expertise to start a cafe. It will fall flat. And apart from that, what can I do that makes me happy? I don't know.

Do I need to know my path from this moment itself? Is there not some joy in discovering things one step at a time? Is it so important to have a goal? There seem to be infinite possibilities. I'm unable to pick one right now.

What's my career goal, the essay asks me? I don't even know what my goal in life is, dammit. I'm facing an existential dilemma. I never asked myself what I wanted, where my heart was, that sort of stuff. Too much introspection makes me nervous because it makes me aware of my shortcomings. I've always run away from introspection. Now, to solve the existential dilemma, I must confront myself. God help me. Someone help me.

GOING BACK TO COLLEGE

So, for the last three years, I've been building submarines. Damn cool innit? Yes. Damn cool.

In so many ways it still is. But I guess I've been doing the same thing for some time now and feel like a change. I want to sit in a classroom, be naughty, learn. LEARN. 

That's what I remember most about college. That knowingly or unknowingly, I was ALWAYS learning. In class I was learning about motors and transmission lines. Outside class, I was discovering myself, my likes and dislikes, my strengths and weaknesses. I was a sponge, aware of everything and just drinking it all in. Not a day passed by in four years when I didn't learn something new.

When I was in college, I looked forward to going to work. I wanted to be a woman of the world. I wanted financial independence. I wanted to take big decisions, change things. I wanted to create, I wanted to destroy. I thought that's what people who work do. 

I wasn't entirely wrong, but I was disappointed. I got the opportunity to work and be part of India's second indigenous nuclear submarine. I was proud to be part of that team. I still am. Immensely. But I realize it is not so for everybody. There are people for whom its just a job as any other. People who are too busy blaming each other for delays. No one sits up and says, " OK, we screwed up and the project is delayed. Lets pull our socks up and get going. This is a question of our country's security."

Do they not realize, this is not a regular job? This is different. Here we are building something that will guard us and country's coastline from those who do not care for us. This submarine will be the reason we sleep peacefully at night.

When I look at those people in our team, I wonder whether it is right of me to be so judgmental of them. Someone I respect very much at work once told me, that in time, all jobs become just that. A job. Routine, monotonous, boring. You can't help it. Yes, I can't blame them. After all, did they also not join this department with stars in their eyes? Did they also not feel proud that they were contributing towards the country's needs? Did the system not kill their enthusiasm, slowly, just as it does mine now?

Yes, I've seen bright people, intelligent, people who wanted to make a difference. People who saw beyond trivialities and realized this job was different. People, who got crushed by the system and eventually left. I'm not just talking about the people at my workplace. I know a naval commander and a lieutenant commander I met only once. I barely knew them. But in that brief encounter, I sensed their helplessness. They wanted to do so much, and they tried so hard, and the system beat them every single time. Both men retired from the forces early. I know bright young engineers who joined my department, and wrote programs and implemented systems and processes which are indispensable today. They've all left. No one recognized them, or their effort.

I still find submarines fascinating. I'm really lucky to be in this field. There is so much to do. But I distinctly feel myself growing dull, rusting. I'm not learning. Its becoming like any other job. 

I want to go back to college. Learn new things. Arm myself with knowledge, with the ability to change things. I'll come back to submarines, I'm not done with them yet. But I hope college will make me someone who can make a difference. I hope I come back to the submarine industry to be pleasantly surprised. Countries like Pakistan and China seem to have an assembly line for submarine manufacturing. The problem with India is that each of us is too caught up in our own problems. We need to change our perspective, see the bigger picture.

I need to become that adventurous, free spirited, thirsty for learning girl again. I need to find myself again. Its the only way ahead. The only way. I need to go back to college.