In the process of writing the above essay, I've had to force myself to do a fair amount of self introspection. I was struggling to write the essay forever, every time I managed to write something, it lacked conviction. Day before yesterday I couldn't sleep restfully. I was squirming in bed all night, tossing and turning. Then yesterday it struck me. I realized the reason I was struggling with the essay was not because I didn't know what to write, it was because I truly didn't have any idea of where I wanted to see myself three years down the line. In fact, I have no clue about what I want to do in life. I'm goalless. The classic existential dilemma.
I've always wanted to know what my true calling is. What is the one thing that I can do day and night, tirelessly, with full enthusiasm, that will make me feel like my life has purpose? The question occurred to me when I was sixteen. I had finished my board exams, and had to take my first big decision. Science, arts or commerce? One part of me wanted to chuck it all and pursue a diploma in Indian classical dance. But I was afraid of treading off the beaten track. After very little thinking, I decided I would continue in the science stream because it had maximum flexibility. I could switch anytime I wanted. First mistake. I should have forced myself to think properly then. After twelfth, I found myself sitting in a microbiology class, not understanding one syllable of what the professor was saying. I bolted after a month. First time I realized that I could figure out clearly what wasn't working for me. I joined electrical engineering, again I must admit without much thought. But it turned out to be a good decision. The first class I sat for, even though I hated the subject and the teacher, I felt I was in the right place. By second year, I developed a liking for electrical subjects. I'll even go so far as to say some of the subjects fascinated me. There were days I read Boylestead all day, and realized the time only at night.
My single goal in engineering was to get a job. I wanted financial independence. Clear and simple. I realized that money was what I wanted. Sad in many ways, but there it is. Not that I didn't have interests. Fabrics fascinated me. I guess I got that by looking at my mother's saris. I dreamed of my own store, where there were reams of silk, muslin and all sorts of exotic cloth, and people could come and create their own personalized dresses with the help of a designer who worked with the store. But I knew nothing and nobody in the field, and after making detailed notes on the idea for a month, I gave up.
Third year, I got into student placement. Most memorable time of my engineering days when Jobin and me sat in the placement cell, collating data, discussing about companies. Great fun.I got into L&T and thought it was a big deal. Finally, financial independence was within reach.
I started work. My first group was nuclear power plants. Great people, good fun.Spent four months there. Then, rather unceremoniously, I was chucked out. I found myself in submarine design. Not bad, it has the cool factor. But here I am, after almost three years in submarines. I'm not saying it's boring. It's actually quite interesting. Fascinating really. But my heart isn't in it.I was just going where life took me, never taking control in my own hands. Never realized I could.
When I started work, I also brought some craft supplies and started making bookmarks. I actually got pretty good. Stick man managed to start a small enterprise. World of muffet's designs I called it. Stick man calls me muffet. I think we made all of five hundred grand rupees. I'm positive I spent more than that. To cut a long story short, it fizzled out.
I want to break free now. I think it will be interesting to do an MBA. Management as a subject has always interested me. It is the one skill that can make or break an idea. I am itching to sit in a classroom again, and learn. Take notes, study how business models failed or made it, stuff like that.
What I really want to do in terms of a career? Well, I'd like to start a small cozy cafe. There'll primarily be desserts, but also coffee and savories. I'm happiest when I'm making a chocolate cake or a pasta in the kitchen. I could do it for hours and hours and then sleep with a smile on my face. I may not be a great cook, but I'm willing to do what it takes.
I can't very well write that in the essay. I have no capital or expertise to start a cafe. It will fall flat. And apart from that, what can I do that makes me happy? I don't know.
Do I need to know my path from this moment itself? Is there not some joy in discovering things one step at a time? Is it so important to have a goal? There seem to be infinite possibilities. I'm unable to pick one right now.
What's my career goal, the essay asks me? I don't even know what my goal in life is, dammit. I'm facing an existential dilemma. I never asked myself what I wanted, where my heart was, that sort of stuff. Too much introspection makes me nervous because it makes me aware of my shortcomings. I've always run away from introspection. Now, to solve the existential dilemma, I must confront myself. God help me. Someone help me.
I've always wanted to know what my true calling is. What is the one thing that I can do day and night, tirelessly, with full enthusiasm, that will make me feel like my life has purpose? The question occurred to me when I was sixteen. I had finished my board exams, and had to take my first big decision. Science, arts or commerce? One part of me wanted to chuck it all and pursue a diploma in Indian classical dance. But I was afraid of treading off the beaten track. After very little thinking, I decided I would continue in the science stream because it had maximum flexibility. I could switch anytime I wanted. First mistake. I should have forced myself to think properly then. After twelfth, I found myself sitting in a microbiology class, not understanding one syllable of what the professor was saying. I bolted after a month. First time I realized that I could figure out clearly what wasn't working for me. I joined electrical engineering, again I must admit without much thought. But it turned out to be a good decision. The first class I sat for, even though I hated the subject and the teacher, I felt I was in the right place. By second year, I developed a liking for electrical subjects. I'll even go so far as to say some of the subjects fascinated me. There were days I read Boylestead all day, and realized the time only at night.
My single goal in engineering was to get a job. I wanted financial independence. Clear and simple. I realized that money was what I wanted. Sad in many ways, but there it is. Not that I didn't have interests. Fabrics fascinated me. I guess I got that by looking at my mother's saris. I dreamed of my own store, where there were reams of silk, muslin and all sorts of exotic cloth, and people could come and create their own personalized dresses with the help of a designer who worked with the store. But I knew nothing and nobody in the field, and after making detailed notes on the idea for a month, I gave up.
Third year, I got into student placement. Most memorable time of my engineering days when Jobin and me sat in the placement cell, collating data, discussing about companies. Great fun.I got into L&T and thought it was a big deal. Finally, financial independence was within reach.
I started work. My first group was nuclear power plants. Great people, good fun.Spent four months there. Then, rather unceremoniously, I was chucked out. I found myself in submarine design. Not bad, it has the cool factor. But here I am, after almost three years in submarines. I'm not saying it's boring. It's actually quite interesting. Fascinating really. But my heart isn't in it.I was just going where life took me, never taking control in my own hands. Never realized I could.
When I started work, I also brought some craft supplies and started making bookmarks. I actually got pretty good. Stick man managed to start a small enterprise. World of muffet's designs I called it. Stick man calls me muffet. I think we made all of five hundred grand rupees. I'm positive I spent more than that. To cut a long story short, it fizzled out.
I want to break free now. I think it will be interesting to do an MBA. Management as a subject has always interested me. It is the one skill that can make or break an idea. I am itching to sit in a classroom again, and learn. Take notes, study how business models failed or made it, stuff like that.
What I really want to do in terms of a career? Well, I'd like to start a small cozy cafe. There'll primarily be desserts, but also coffee and savories. I'm happiest when I'm making a chocolate cake or a pasta in the kitchen. I could do it for hours and hours and then sleep with a smile on my face. I may not be a great cook, but I'm willing to do what it takes.
I can't very well write that in the essay. I have no capital or expertise to start a cafe. It will fall flat. And apart from that, what can I do that makes me happy? I don't know.
Do I need to know my path from this moment itself? Is there not some joy in discovering things one step at a time? Is it so important to have a goal? There seem to be infinite possibilities. I'm unable to pick one right now.
What's my career goal, the essay asks me? I don't even know what my goal in life is, dammit. I'm facing an existential dilemma. I never asked myself what I wanted, where my heart was, that sort of stuff. Too much introspection makes me nervous because it makes me aware of my shortcomings. I've always run away from introspection. Now, to solve the existential dilemma, I must confront myself. God help me. Someone help me.
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