cherished practices and some realisations

I love the music flowing into my ears, (I realised this just two days ago) like a rippling river, while my eyes are closed. I feel light, my spirit lifts. Its almost like I'm flying.
The above is, of course, subject to the music being good.(read: no rock/heavy metal/death metal/ any other type of metal or minerals)
I love soft, lilting classical music.(read: Kadri Gopalnath's saxophone, Morning Raaga).

Every morning, during my bus ride to office, I pass the lakes at Airoli and Powai. The sight fills me with a deep sense of calm and peace. Its lovely and well.... quite indescribable.

I'm grateful and thank god everyday for giving me such a wonderful bunch of people at work. My seniors and my bosses (rocker J and Drummer J), they allow me to still be a college student, indulging all my childish and immature whims and fancies, never berating me even once. They dont even raise their eyebrows in dissapproval.

I love roaming the markets and streets aimlessly with my mom on fridays and saturdays.

I realise that i'm basically a very intense, passionate person, in all respects. When i'm sad, i'm deathly sad. When i'm lonely, I can literally hug trees or kiss my pillow for keeping me company. When I dance, I can go on till I drop dead. When i'm happy, I can literally clap my hands in glee like a kid who got her favorite icecream. When I feel peace, i'm the Dalai Lama.

I'm looking for substitutes for clapping my hands.( I sense its not very becoming of me).

I LOVE ICE-CREAM.

I type with two fingers.
I'm mellowing down in many ways.

I love having pasta and sizzlers for lunch with stick man, calculator man, and ice man for company.

I love having pasta and sizzlers, for dinner with my school gang of girls who are practically my soul mates now.

I'm afraid, nay, phobic about commitment. This has a few exceptions, understandably. but then again, you cant expect Milind Soman, Richard Gere, or Mickey Mouse to fall for you.

Making bookmarks makes me feel contented and peaceful.

I love playing "mendikot" (a card game) throughout the night into the wee hours of the morning with my college friends. Even though I lose almost always.

I love reading and devour books with an unbelievable ferocity. They transport me to another world, make me lose track of time.

When a certain "honey" flavoured person I just met for a few minutes, remembers me enough to search me out with great effort, it makes me feel nice. Heck, who does'nt like attention and wooing? I'm pleasantly surprised though, I always thought I was a plain jane.

Shit, I still haven't finished the specifications for distribution boards, LT switchgear, and LV cables.

introspective ramblings

Its been quite some time since I blogged, even though there's a lot going on that I would like to write about.
But I found a diary, from a dear old friend and so went the old fashioned way of putting pen to paper for some time.

Now back to blog time.

Topic 1:

A recent e-mail from a stick insect in bata shoes, a conversation with two other people who matter has put me in an introspective mood of late. Now, theres nothing wrong with introspection, but what if your mind takes you in an unnecessary direction?
This is exactly what my mind did when I started thinking about, well, my life in general.
So I spent a few days, in complete emotional turmoil hating myself for having started this process of introspection, and not being able to stop it or even control the process.
But for the past three days or so, my mind seems to have taken an about turn.
I feel quite positive or at least the bad stuff doesn't bother me so much. I'm thankful for where I am placed in my life right now, and am extremely aware that there are so many people my age who don't have all the luxuries that I take for granted.

Topic 2:

What I always wanted from a job, was that I should never feel like going back home. when I get to office, I want to be so consumed and absorbed in what I do that i aint waiting for the clock to strike 5:10pm.
But thats not happening in my job right now. I have a great boss, all my senior colleagues are encouraging, i'm doing good work and all that rot, but somehow, i'm waiting for 5:10pm. So I can catch the first bus to go home.I know i'm not passionate about my job. Am I judging my job too early? Should I give myself more time to settle in? Dunno.


But somehow I just have this gut feeling my "thing" is out there somewhere, calling to me, screaming to me, and I am simply unable to hear. And I want to hear it so bad. So bad. I feel like I am running out of time. Have you ever felt that? Like sand slipping away form between your fingers?It makes you feel so restless. And so lazy. At the same time. I know i'm threatening to get into a rut, and I have to do something to save myself. But what?

So i've made a list of things to do. And i'm going to put a conscious effort in that direction. This list wont necessarily lead me to my calling, but my instinct says this is the path on which i'm to be right now.

Topic 3:

1. Make atleast 7 bookmarks every week.
2. Jog for atleast half an hour everyday. (this i've already started.)
3. Start gathering materials for the big billi next year.
4. Practice dance atleast twice a week.
5. Learn to love my job.
6. Buy a book every month.
7. Go out to eat once a week.
8. concentrate on textiles and fabrics while shopping. all aspects.

There must be many more here. But let me start with this and then take it from there.

So everybody who's reading this, pray that i follow all my items on my list to the T.

Till next time then,
Love, Peace and lotsa hugs!
Muffet.

random venting and mixed emotions...:) :(

Three months back, I had no job, nothing to do except wait for one to come along, listen to my folks gently reminding me everyday what a useless wastrel I was turning into, and sometimes hang out at the cafe with my friends.
Then one day, 10:30am, Lunch and Tea called me back into their company to prepare idlis and dosas for them. Boy, how ecstatic I was. I thought I finally did it. I had achieved the one thing every engineer dreams in these tough times. I got a job! Whats more, my best friend (stick man) got in too! A month later, another best friend gets his call! what more could I want, right?

wrong.I was so totally wrong.
screw the punctuations and grammar now.

i'm not saying i dont like my job. no. i love my job. i have a sweet boss(looks like a cute walrus), who's very encouraging and doesnt even raise his voice if i mess up. my senior colleagues are super kind and helpful, and answer me indulgently every time i go to them with my world famous stupid questions.

but something is so missing.
i dont go to jughead's now. sizzlers dont feel so special now, they have started making me feel nostalgic. hence every time i have a sizzler, the person with me has to bear my incessant ranting on how i enjoyed sizzlers with stick man and orange. and how stick man would eat the chlormints after the meal.how some people can actually finish an entire sizzler themselves, and what not.

shit, i feel like a loser with no life.

theres no stick man. he's become a voice i listen to everyday. and its not just him. even people who live close by, i cant meet them because the day suddenly seems shorter. most times i cancel meeting them, i dont even know why. it seems like too much effort to socialise. its just not like me.

i miss stick man terribly. i miss K for his taunts and his bear hugs and his advice mode. i miss P because now theres no one to pour my heart out to. theres no one here who surprises me with fake but full of love shining diamond rings, letters and smiles on my birthday.

its not that they are dead. believe me, i have so many people here that i can socialise with. but its just not the same. its like when you go shopping to bandra, but if your best friend girl gang aint there, it just aint that much fun.

i hate being so emotional. i hate it. i dont make bookmarks now. i've almost forgotten my dream clothes shop. my restaurant dream aint doing too well either.

its so funny. and its so sad. i finally have a great job, i'm learning so many new things, i'm finally a small cog in the wheel of a giant industrial corporate firm.
but somehow somethings missing. its like the zing's gone or something.
but i must look ahead.
its not like your friends are dead, dumbass, i tell myself.
and remember, you have a stage performance coming up in january, in the mecca of classical dance!
and i earn my own money now.
so things are nice. but sometimes they get sad.
hence i write. now i feel better. atleast i think so.
so, i'll stop being stupid and stop calling people who live outside the state thus saving on my phone expenses.
yes, i said the word "saving". and i just bought two cargo shorts that i dont need at all today.

another thing that i've been mulling over is this-" why do we always want things we never know we'll get? we realise that we're seeing this unattainable dream, we know we're being stupid but we still do it. women fantasise that they'll get married to a superhero hrithik roshan, even though he's happily married with kids.heck, even i hope richard gere will become straight one day. even in real life, i'm dreaming an impossible dream of being with an impossible man."
why are we the way we are? atleast as far as the above thought is concerned?

LOVE

so it's diwali night now. i can hear crackers in the background, colours and lights everywhere. its my favourite festival.so for all you people reading this, have a blissful, joyous, happy diwali!

love.
the most unending, elusive, mysterious that we all love and hate all the time.
loss.
something that we deal with, because we have to for everyones sake.

but when both come together, it makes for a painful combination.
today my grandmother was discharged from the hospital with a clean chit of health, so yaaaay.
but today is also one day closer to the date that my best friend will leave bombay, beloved, addictive bombay and go to the land of diamond merchants and khaman dhokla. and i may not see him in a long time now.

i completely hated him from my guts when i first met him in my engineering class. he kept showing the finger to every teacher, and seemed arrogant.then, in the second year he ditched me for a technical presentation. and i was left in front of all my professors and i couldnt talk for more than 30 secs on electromagnetic interference.
i hated him more.

but somehow, at some point, the equation changed. he was and has been the only person till date who completely accepted me with all my faults.the only person who reminds me to do my eyebrows. the only person who calls me a bitch, a whore and can still get away with it. the person who taught me to be an adult and a child at the same time. the only person who taught me not to care a damn about the world. and then some.

with him, i learned to love the trains. i learned to believe in myself. with him, i roamed the streets of bombay and fell in love with the city. i bought books from the roads, i spent hours in the meuseums, learnt how to learn, learned not to be afraid of myself, and i also learned that it was ok to be so.

he's not my boyfriend.and never will be. i doubt whether my boyfriend (whenever that will happen) will love me like he did. and i seriously doubt if my boyfriend can make fun of  my armpits.
but i love him. unconditionally. as is. no change required.

he's a brilliant writer, an eccentric dreamer with a heart of gold. and if you knew him the way i do, you'd say the same. he's my wierd and wonderful stick man. a refugee stick insect on bata sandals, kicking dirt on the borivli platform.

i know he's not going away forever. i know this is too melodramatic. but i will miss his everyday presence in my life. and i know he'll miss me.

love and loss.

being yourself

How many of us wear masks? Well, for starters, Amitabh Bacchan definitely does, if the bombay times is to be believed. How does this mask come to be? Or the more important question here is, how do we manage to remain our true selves without screwing up the masked person? Can we really pull off such an impossible task? Apparently, yes. In fact, most of us are doing it 24/7.

Ok lets start from the basics. When we were children, we never really cared what others thought of us as long as we could play, get toys, etc. And guess what? Most people I know love children. So children dont have this impossible task of building an alternate personality. They got along fine, right?

Then we grew up. Now we had to care about whether our teachers, friends thought of us.We may not have wanted to, but society has this way of conditioning you to the point where it seems utterly necessary that other people think youre a good kid. Ok, I still understand the point. The changes expected from a kid werent that much and mostly restricted to academics.

Enter the adolescent. Now we want to look cool. Or worse, we actually want to impress someone or a set of someones.And most teenagers can bend themselves backwards trying to fit in. Thankfully, this phase passes through.

Now, all these experiences we have shape us into who we are essentially. It may not be as good as we want it to be, but its who we are. And for better or for worse, I think we should love who we are. I do.

Suppose being who we are doesn't work to our advantage? Then what does one do?

Some extremely smart ass human beings thought over this problem and came up with a simple solution. Change.

That simple, huh. But there's a catch. You can't change actually. What you have to change is the perception of people around you. Now, this is easier said than done.

Most times, it may imply that you say or do things that you never otherwise would have said or done. And when you are saying or doing it, it feels fake. It feels like you're cheating yourself, and there is a constant fear of being caught in the act.

But as people of the world, we must bring about this change.because its the only way of protecting your actual self from changing. This is sad but true.Because we are constantly bombarded by people who are waiting to judge us, and we don't have the time to let them understand where we are coming from. So change people, its what everyone is doing now!
The important thing is not to lose yourself in this change. Remember at all times that you're inside that mask and it must come off in front of people you love.

We also change for a variety of other reasons.I have a lot of qualities that I dont like. There are parts of me that are dirty, from inside. My heart and soul aren't ideal. There is an unwanted amount of hate, bitterness, sadness, fear and anger that I suppress most times. But people who know can find out. And when you have to be emotionally naked, it saps you of all courage. Not because the other person knows. No, that's not it. It's because I have to finally face what I hid from myself all these years. It's a part of me that I consciously chose to ignore. I know I have to face it someday, but I keep postponing it. The day I manage to look at all that filth in my heart and make peace with it, I know I'll be a better person. I know I'll be complete, whole.

I'm a dancer.Hence, I need to emote a lot. For years, I was only taught to dance to devotional songs, because that was the one emotion I had been experiencing from the time I was a child and could easily relate to. After learning dance for almost 13 years, my teacher asked me to perform a romantic number. During the rehearsals, I would always end up giggling at the parts where Radha was supposed to feel shy. Believe me, I didn't laugh because I was a teenager and naive. I laughed because I could never understand how anyone could have such love for anyone else.It seemed almost too filmi for me. I struggled to relate. I could never portray intense emotions such as anger, love hate, or disgust. And it killed me from inside because I wanted to be able to portray them badly. When a dancer goes on stage, she can't lie, my teacher used to say. She becomes vulnerable to the audience, because she is an open book. Whatever she feels, it has to be in front of them. For a long time, I wanted to understand why I couldn't portray love. The love between a man and a woman.
Then, once my teacher told me I have to open myself to experiencing these emotions. As a person, when confronted by say, extreme sadness, we tend to create a fortress around our heart and don't even allow ourselves inside it. We don't allow ourselves to feel. And only if I feel, I can understand. Only if I understand and experience, I can emote.

I don't know if I'm ready to allow myself to experience these emotions. As long as that is there, I'll never be a better dancer. But I'm scared to reveal me to myself. I'm afraid I'll hate me, I'll judge myself for all the dirty things inside me.

And unfortunately, I can only wash the dirt that's on the outside. The dirt inside me stays and I dont know how to go about cleaning it.

BEING YOURSELF

WHAT HAPPENED TO SIMPLE FAITH IN GOD?

I recently went to a small town north of Kerala, where an ashram is located(Anandashram). My family has been going there for a long time and it a spiritual haven of sorts. In addition, it is lush with greenery throughout the year, located at the base of a hill and literally is paradise on earth if you ask me.

The reason I went there was to seek our spiritual master's blessing before I started my very first job and also for some quiet time away from the crowded, noisy city.
In Anandashram, there are various activities that go on throughout the day that people can engage themselves in. One of these is a reading satsang. Swamiji reads out aloud from texts written by great saints and spiritual masters, and after reading a small portion, there is an interactive session.

It is one such interactive session that got me thinking about the topic in question. GOD. SIMPLE FAITH.

During the interactive session, an attempt is made to understand what the writer tries to convey through the text. Now, this is easier said than done. To top it, people come up with all sorts of unimaginable questions!
Now, this reading is one of the things I look forward to most whenever I go to ashram. For me, it provides an insight into the minds of the greatest men in the world. But I never question.

This time, during the session, an elderly man, apparently quite well read, asked swamiji why ego was an unnecessary quality that all of us posess. Don't we need it in daily life? He even went on to say that in the dvaitha philosophy ( where god and the devotee are separate as opposed to the advaitha philosophy where the seeker and god are supposed to be one), posession of ego is advocated for daily life. Then he asked why 'god realization' could not be attained with ego.What does ego have to do with being humble? After this, many other people came up with such questions and it went on.

Needless to say, I was baffled by all of this. How and why someone comes up with these questions is beyond my realm of understanding. I know a variety of people with varying degrees of belief, and I have never understood why this whole confusion/ curiosity about god exists in people's mind.

What happened to simple faith? God is a concept/ guiding force that is constantly with us everywhere (omniscient and omnipresent). God makes us believe that we must be good human beings as far as possible. When we get into difficult situation god gives us the courage to face it and solve the problem. Thats it. God is a guiding force that takes care of everyone and everything in the universe. Go pray everyday, thank god for making your life good and pray that he'll always be with you. Thatsit. That's what I believe and will do so for as long as I breathe and live.

That's all we had in the beginning. Simple faith. It came pre-installed in us when we were born. Then when, how, and why did we lose it?

What happened to simple faith? Why do people find it so difficult to believe that faith is all you need to face anything in life. Faith that nothing will be bad, faith that everything is for the good, faith that as long as we have faith, we'll be ok.

Faith is the need of the hour. Simple, unshakeable, strong faith in god.
But, does it really exist in today's world?