wake up call

As i stepped into this new year from the old, I wondered at how much had happened in my life. Rather eventful, I must say.

There were dreams and hopes I had last year that got crushed just as I was welcoming the new year. I was experiencing the sweetest dream of my life, and I had to wake up.

There are now new dreams, far more important, that I must now focus on.

I've been a child far too long now. I must grow up. I need a crash course in maturity. Right NOW.

I have been blessed with so many friends who love me more than I really deserve. They travel for hours in hot dusty trains to see me. They meet me just to ask how I'm doing. They come from Chennai, Gujarat, Andhra Pradesh, everywhere.

They carried me through my school years. They loved me no matter how difficult I was and have been.

They are my pillars of strength. And I've abused that to the hilt.

So, if you're reading this, then know that i love you, all of you, immensely, and always have. All the time you worried about my happiness and I never once asked how things were going with you.

All of them had far more important things to deal with, emotionally and otherwise, yet I never bothered once.I have been selfish.

Everyone who loved me, I took them for granted.

Someone recently made me realize this, and I shall be ever grateful to him. Every minute I spent with him has taught me something new, and I shall cherish all those wonderful moments. He is a most wonderful person.

He put me back on track. Where I should be. And I do hope I shall not wander again.

I must introspect again.

WHAT DO WE WANT?/ GROWING UP

I've spent a whole five minutes wondering how the hell to start. Dunno if the title is ok. So here goes nothing.

 

Childhood is very simple. Everyone takes decisions for you. You aren't aware enough to care whether these are good or bad for you, so you accept everything that is given with faith and happiness.

But we can’t afford to be children for too long, you know. Someday, we start wanting things of our own accord. "I want to live alone, I want a car, I don't want people to meddle, I want to travel the world, go to the Himalayas, be Richard Branson and Audrey Hepburn, all at the same time". So we start taking our own decisions.

 

Some decisions are easy, some are not, but they have to be taken. With freedom and money, responsibility also comes along. But it does so very, very quietly. Most of us don't realise its presence. And when we refuse to do so inspite of knowing, it puts us through hell and high water...

Sometimes our elders refuse to allow us to grow up and be responsible. No father ever wants to lose his daughter and no mother wants to let go of her boy. But these are the very people who do their children more harm than good.

I've been very lucky, because I had the opportunity to grow, I got freedom at the right time, I got hurt, I made friends, I fell down flat, then got up, dusted myself and moved on to learn better. Every experience I've had has contributed to me becoming more responsible, a more complete person. I'm still discovering myself and I've barely scratched the surface, but the journey is simply brilliant. Sometimes it’s exhilarating, sometimes it almost kills me. But I’ve learnt that I must allow myself every experience to become who I am. Who I can be.

Today, I have all the freedom I want. Sometimes it scares me crazy. Totally creeps me out. I am all too aware of the responsibilities that come along with it, and I’m afraid I may not live up to myself, forget others.

I still have trouble picking out a pair of jeans or ordering from the menu when I go out with friends. I barely know what I want, and i DEFINITELY DO NOT KNOW what’s good or bad for me.

Sometimes I wonder, what the hell am I to do with so much freedom? I don’t know what I want! There are some people I’ve met who seem so cocksure about what they want in life, and I feel jealous of them. Really, if we all had all the freedom we wanted, would we know exactly what to do with it? I've even met someone who has all the freedom, but wishes there were something/ someone to hold him back, because he feels his freedom is slowly losing its value.

Growing up. Freedom. What we want and what we don't. All intertwined in one great unending, messy, bittersweet web that we all call LIFE.

PS: tintin is getting to be a really good pal. I’ve found my hero in the department kinda sorta wish i could be a bit more like him:) i've taken over tintin's seat. Full kabza!:) vendetta takes a lot of nonsense from me, poor thing will be bald soon! Feels good to talk to stick man. Have to call calculator man. It’s been a long time. Have to make more bookmarks to avoid expedition and be happy. And I want a big yellow book instead of a gaudy screaming pink book!

trying to stay afloat :)

On the 11th of january, i was transferred from my happy job to my sad job. "Underwater?" , I asked. "Are you mad? I dont even know how to stay afloat, forget swimming".

"Oh it'll be great!", they said. Bloody HR guys, so out of touch with any human emotion.

So, for the first few weeks, I resisted. I fought with myself, I screamed from inside. I went mad. Then, suddenly, one day, I gave up. Simply. Just like that. I came home and started making bookmarks. I decided that my job did not dictate my life.

And well, to my surprise, when I stopped resisting, I started floating. I slowly am finding myself again. I smile in the mornings. I read coelho, discuss his theories with like minded people. I'm reading a lot now. Something I never had much time for in college. Feels nice.

I'm finding things to be happy about.

I call stick man and smile when I hear his voice. I found someone who can write really good mails for the bookmarks. Stick man says its part of the bookmarketing :).

Right now, life is mixed. There are undercurrents, but the surface is smooth. And I dont mean this in a sinister way. All I'm saying is, when I stopped worrying, everything fell in its place. Things took care of themselves.

Sometimes I forget that god is there. I forget that he's the one taking the decisions, and guiding me. I'm his child, his precious child, and he will take care of me always. I pray now that even if sometimes I forget to hold his hand, he must hold mine.

When I was under a torrent of worries and emotions recently, I kept trying to find solutions. Then I remembered him. I simply poured it out to him. To my mister god. And I know i'll be ok. Simple, blind, unswerving faith. I'll be taken care of. God simply wont let go of me.

I must never ever forget him.Ever.

cherished practices and some realisations

I love the music flowing into my ears, (I realised this just two days ago) like a rippling river, while my eyes are closed. I feel light, my spirit lifts. Its almost like I'm flying.
The above is, of course, subject to the music being good.(read: no rock/heavy metal/death metal/ any other type of metal or minerals)
I love soft, lilting classical music.(read: Kadri Gopalnath's saxophone, Morning Raaga).

Every morning, during my bus ride to office, I pass the lakes at Airoli and Powai. The sight fills me with a deep sense of calm and peace. Its lovely and well.... quite indescribable.

I'm grateful and thank god everyday for giving me such a wonderful bunch of people at work. My seniors and my bosses (rocker J and Drummer J), they allow me to still be a college student, indulging all my childish and immature whims and fancies, never berating me even once. They dont even raise their eyebrows in dissapproval.

I love roaming the markets and streets aimlessly with my mom on fridays and saturdays.

I realise that i'm basically a very intense, passionate person, in all respects. When i'm sad, i'm deathly sad. When i'm lonely, I can literally hug trees or kiss my pillow for keeping me company. When I dance, I can go on till I drop dead. When i'm happy, I can literally clap my hands in glee like a kid who got her favorite icecream. When I feel peace, i'm the Dalai Lama.

I'm looking for substitutes for clapping my hands.( I sense its not very becoming of me).

I LOVE ICE-CREAM.

I type with two fingers.
I'm mellowing down in many ways.

I love having pasta and sizzlers for lunch with stick man, calculator man, and ice man for company.

I love having pasta and sizzlers, for dinner with my school gang of girls who are practically my soul mates now.

I'm afraid, nay, phobic about commitment. This has a few exceptions, understandably. but then again, you cant expect Milind Soman, Richard Gere, or Mickey Mouse to fall for you.

Making bookmarks makes me feel contented and peaceful.

I love playing "mendikot" (a card game) throughout the night into the wee hours of the morning with my college friends. Even though I lose almost always.

I love reading and devour books with an unbelievable ferocity. They transport me to another world, make me lose track of time.

When a certain "honey" flavoured person I just met for a few minutes, remembers me enough to search me out with great effort, it makes me feel nice. Heck, who does'nt like attention and wooing? I'm pleasantly surprised though, I always thought I was a plain jane.

Shit, I still haven't finished the specifications for distribution boards, LT switchgear, and LV cables.

introspective ramblings

Its been quite some time since I blogged, even though there's a lot going on that I would like to write about.
But I found a diary, from a dear old friend and so went the old fashioned way of putting pen to paper for some time.

Now back to blog time.

Topic 1:

A recent e-mail from a stick insect in bata shoes, a conversation with two other people who matter has put me in an introspective mood of late. Now, theres nothing wrong with introspection, but what if your mind takes you in an unnecessary direction?
This is exactly what my mind did when I started thinking about, well, my life in general.
So I spent a few days, in complete emotional turmoil hating myself for having started this process of introspection, and not being able to stop it or even control the process.
But for the past three days or so, my mind seems to have taken an about turn.
I feel quite positive or at least the bad stuff doesn't bother me so much. I'm thankful for where I am placed in my life right now, and am extremely aware that there are so many people my age who don't have all the luxuries that I take for granted.

Topic 2:

What I always wanted from a job, was that I should never feel like going back home. when I get to office, I want to be so consumed and absorbed in what I do that i aint waiting for the clock to strike 5:10pm.
But thats not happening in my job right now. I have a great boss, all my senior colleagues are encouraging, i'm doing good work and all that rot, but somehow, i'm waiting for 5:10pm. So I can catch the first bus to go home.I know i'm not passionate about my job. Am I judging my job too early? Should I give myself more time to settle in? Dunno.


But somehow I just have this gut feeling my "thing" is out there somewhere, calling to me, screaming to me, and I am simply unable to hear. And I want to hear it so bad. So bad. I feel like I am running out of time. Have you ever felt that? Like sand slipping away form between your fingers?It makes you feel so restless. And so lazy. At the same time. I know i'm threatening to get into a rut, and I have to do something to save myself. But what?

So i've made a list of things to do. And i'm going to put a conscious effort in that direction. This list wont necessarily lead me to my calling, but my instinct says this is the path on which i'm to be right now.

Topic 3:

1. Make atleast 7 bookmarks every week.
2. Jog for atleast half an hour everyday. (this i've already started.)
3. Start gathering materials for the big billi next year.
4. Practice dance atleast twice a week.
5. Learn to love my job.
6. Buy a book every month.
7. Go out to eat once a week.
8. concentrate on textiles and fabrics while shopping. all aspects.

There must be many more here. But let me start with this and then take it from there.

So everybody who's reading this, pray that i follow all my items on my list to the T.

Till next time then,
Love, Peace and lotsa hugs!
Muffet.

random venting and mixed emotions...:) :(

Three months back, I had no job, nothing to do except wait for one to come along, listen to my folks gently reminding me everyday what a useless wastrel I was turning into, and sometimes hang out at the cafe with my friends.
Then one day, 10:30am, Lunch and Tea called me back into their company to prepare idlis and dosas for them. Boy, how ecstatic I was. I thought I finally did it. I had achieved the one thing every engineer dreams in these tough times. I got a job! Whats more, my best friend (stick man) got in too! A month later, another best friend gets his call! what more could I want, right?

wrong.I was so totally wrong.
screw the punctuations and grammar now.

i'm not saying i dont like my job. no. i love my job. i have a sweet boss(looks like a cute walrus), who's very encouraging and doesnt even raise his voice if i mess up. my senior colleagues are super kind and helpful, and answer me indulgently every time i go to them with my world famous stupid questions.

but something is so missing.
i dont go to jughead's now. sizzlers dont feel so special now, they have started making me feel nostalgic. hence every time i have a sizzler, the person with me has to bear my incessant ranting on how i enjoyed sizzlers with stick man and orange. and how stick man would eat the chlormints after the meal.how some people can actually finish an entire sizzler themselves, and what not.

shit, i feel like a loser with no life.

theres no stick man. he's become a voice i listen to everyday. and its not just him. even people who live close by, i cant meet them because the day suddenly seems shorter. most times i cancel meeting them, i dont even know why. it seems like too much effort to socialise. its just not like me.

i miss stick man terribly. i miss K for his taunts and his bear hugs and his advice mode. i miss P because now theres no one to pour my heart out to. theres no one here who surprises me with fake but full of love shining diamond rings, letters and smiles on my birthday.

its not that they are dead. believe me, i have so many people here that i can socialise with. but its just not the same. its like when you go shopping to bandra, but if your best friend girl gang aint there, it just aint that much fun.

i hate being so emotional. i hate it. i dont make bookmarks now. i've almost forgotten my dream clothes shop. my restaurant dream aint doing too well either.

its so funny. and its so sad. i finally have a great job, i'm learning so many new things, i'm finally a small cog in the wheel of a giant industrial corporate firm.
but somehow somethings missing. its like the zing's gone or something.
but i must look ahead.
its not like your friends are dead, dumbass, i tell myself.
and remember, you have a stage performance coming up in january, in the mecca of classical dance!
and i earn my own money now.
so things are nice. but sometimes they get sad.
hence i write. now i feel better. atleast i think so.
so, i'll stop being stupid and stop calling people who live outside the state thus saving on my phone expenses.
yes, i said the word "saving". and i just bought two cargo shorts that i dont need at all today.

another thing that i've been mulling over is this-" why do we always want things we never know we'll get? we realise that we're seeing this unattainable dream, we know we're being stupid but we still do it. women fantasise that they'll get married to a superhero hrithik roshan, even though he's happily married with kids.heck, even i hope richard gere will become straight one day. even in real life, i'm dreaming an impossible dream of being with an impossible man."
why are we the way we are? atleast as far as the above thought is concerned?

LOVE

so it's diwali night now. i can hear crackers in the background, colours and lights everywhere. its my favourite festival.so for all you people reading this, have a blissful, joyous, happy diwali!

love.
the most unending, elusive, mysterious that we all love and hate all the time.
loss.
something that we deal with, because we have to for everyones sake.

but when both come together, it makes for a painful combination.
today my grandmother was discharged from the hospital with a clean chit of health, so yaaaay.
but today is also one day closer to the date that my best friend will leave bombay, beloved, addictive bombay and go to the land of diamond merchants and khaman dhokla. and i may not see him in a long time now.

i completely hated him from my guts when i first met him in my engineering class. he kept showing the finger to every teacher, and seemed arrogant.then, in the second year he ditched me for a technical presentation. and i was left in front of all my professors and i couldnt talk for more than 30 secs on electromagnetic interference.
i hated him more.

but somehow, at some point, the equation changed. he was and has been the only person till date who completely accepted me with all my faults.the only person who reminds me to do my eyebrows. the only person who calls me a bitch, a whore and can still get away with it. the person who taught me to be an adult and a child at the same time. the only person who taught me not to care a damn about the world. and then some.

with him, i learned to love the trains. i learned to believe in myself. with him, i roamed the streets of bombay and fell in love with the city. i bought books from the roads, i spent hours in the meuseums, learnt how to learn, learned not to be afraid of myself, and i also learned that it was ok to be so.

he's not my boyfriend.and never will be. i doubt whether my boyfriend (whenever that will happen) will love me like he did. and i seriously doubt if my boyfriend can make fun of  my armpits.
but i love him. unconditionally. as is. no change required.

he's a brilliant writer, an eccentric dreamer with a heart of gold. and if you knew him the way i do, you'd say the same. he's my wierd and wonderful stick man. a refugee stick insect on bata sandals, kicking dirt on the borivli platform.

i know he's not going away forever. i know this is too melodramatic. but i will miss his everyday presence in my life. and i know he'll miss me.

love and loss.