Loss

Recently, a childhood friend of mine lost his father. This friend is one of the most eccentric, funny, loving men that I have known. We went together on our first day of school. He grew up an introvert, me an extrovert. Somewhere along the way, we lost touch, then again, we found each other. One of those people you can open your heart to. You could meet him after years and feel like you saw him yesterday.
He grew up a nerd, did everything differently. Today, he works at CERN.

He told me last week he lost his Dad. His Appa.

I was stunned. His father was young and in good health. But life is such. This one is for you Achintya.

Achintya, I wish there was a way I could make it better for you. I know you miss Appa. I wish it wasn't meant to be this way. I wish I could hug you till the pain went away. It pains me when I see you smile through your pain, making sure others are comfortable. It hurts when I see that you can't grieve easily. I wish you would. I know how loss feels. There are still days when I wish my grandfather was here to see what I've grown to become. He taught me all that I know. There is an empty feeling. He passed away in front of me, and it hurt so much.

We all have to move on. We all don't want to.

I just wish you'd let yourself go.

I love you and will be here always.

Hugs,
me.

The existential dilemma

In the process of writing the above essay, I've had to force myself to do a fair amount of self introspection. I was struggling to write the essay forever, every time I managed to write something, it lacked conviction. Day before yesterday I couldn't sleep restfully. I was squirming in bed all night, tossing and turning. Then yesterday it struck me. I realized the reason I was struggling with the essay was not because I didn't know what to write, it was because I truly didn't have any idea of where I wanted to see myself three years down the line. In fact, I have no clue about what I want to do in life. I'm goalless. The classic existential dilemma.


I've always wanted to know what my true calling is. What is the one thing that I can do day and night, tirelessly, with full enthusiasm, that will make me feel like my life has purpose? The question occurred to me when I was sixteen. I had finished my board exams, and had to take my first big decision. Science, arts or commerce? One part of me wanted to chuck it all and pursue a diploma in Indian classical dance. But I was afraid of treading off the beaten track. After very little thinking, I decided I would continue in the science stream because it had maximum flexibility. I could switch anytime I wanted. First mistake. I should have forced myself to think properly then. After twelfth, I found myself sitting in a microbiology class, not understanding one syllable of what the professor was saying. I bolted after a month. First time I realized that I could figure out clearly what wasn't working for me. I joined electrical engineering, again I must admit without much thought. But it turned out to be a good decision. The first class I sat for, even though I hated the subject and the teacher, I felt I was in the right place. By second year, I developed a liking for electrical subjects. I'll even go so far as to say some of the subjects fascinated me. There were days I read Boylestead all day, and realized the time only at night.

My single goal in engineering was to get a job. I wanted financial independence. Clear and simple. I realized that money was what I wanted. Sad in many ways, but there it is. Not that I didn't have interests. Fabrics fascinated me. I guess I got that by looking at my mother's saris. I dreamed of my own store, where there were reams of silk, muslin and all sorts of exotic cloth, and people could come and create their own personalized dresses with the help of a designer who worked with the store. But I knew nothing and nobody in the field, and after making detailed notes on the idea for a month, I gave up.

Third year, I got into student placement. Most memorable time of my engineering days when Jobin and me sat in the placement cell, collating data, discussing about companies. Great fun.I got into L&T and thought it was a big deal. Finally, financial independence was within reach.

I started work. My first group was nuclear power plants. Great people, good fun.Spent four months there. Then, rather unceremoniously, I was chucked out. I found myself in submarine design. Not bad, it has the cool factor. But here I am, after almost three years in submarines. I'm not saying it's boring. It's actually quite interesting. Fascinating really. But my heart isn't in it.I was just going where life took me, never taking control in my own hands. Never realized I could.

When I started work, I also brought some craft supplies and started making bookmarks. I actually got pretty good. Stick man managed to start a small enterprise. World of muffet's designs I called it. Stick man calls me muffet. I think we made all of five hundred grand rupees. I'm positive I spent more than that. To cut a long story short, it fizzled out.

I want to break free now. I think it will be interesting to do an MBA. Management as a subject has always interested me. It is the one skill that can make or break an idea. I am itching to sit in a classroom again, and learn. Take notes, study how business models failed or made it, stuff like that.

What I really want to do in terms of a career? Well, I'd like to start a small cozy cafe. There'll primarily be desserts, but also coffee and savories. I'm happiest when I'm making a chocolate cake or a pasta in the kitchen. I could do it for hours and hours and then sleep with a smile on my face. I may not be a great cook, but I'm willing to do what it takes.

I can't very well write that in the essay. I have no capital or expertise to start a cafe. It will fall flat. And apart from that, what can I do that makes me happy? I don't know.

Do I need to know my path from this moment itself? Is there not some joy in discovering things one step at a time? Is it so important to have a goal? There seem to be infinite possibilities. I'm unable to pick one right now.

What's my career goal, the essay asks me? I don't even know what my goal in life is, dammit. I'm facing an existential dilemma. I never asked myself what I wanted, where my heart was, that sort of stuff. Too much introspection makes me nervous because it makes me aware of my shortcomings. I've always run away from introspection. Now, to solve the existential dilemma, I must confront myself. God help me. Someone help me.

GOING BACK TO COLLEGE

So, for the last three years, I've been building submarines. Damn cool innit? Yes. Damn cool.

In so many ways it still is. But I guess I've been doing the same thing for some time now and feel like a change. I want to sit in a classroom, be naughty, learn. LEARN. 

That's what I remember most about college. That knowingly or unknowingly, I was ALWAYS learning. In class I was learning about motors and transmission lines. Outside class, I was discovering myself, my likes and dislikes, my strengths and weaknesses. I was a sponge, aware of everything and just drinking it all in. Not a day passed by in four years when I didn't learn something new.

When I was in college, I looked forward to going to work. I wanted to be a woman of the world. I wanted financial independence. I wanted to take big decisions, change things. I wanted to create, I wanted to destroy. I thought that's what people who work do. 

I wasn't entirely wrong, but I was disappointed. I got the opportunity to work and be part of India's second indigenous nuclear submarine. I was proud to be part of that team. I still am. Immensely. But I realize it is not so for everybody. There are people for whom its just a job as any other. People who are too busy blaming each other for delays. No one sits up and says, " OK, we screwed up and the project is delayed. Lets pull our socks up and get going. This is a question of our country's security."

Do they not realize, this is not a regular job? This is different. Here we are building something that will guard us and country's coastline from those who do not care for us. This submarine will be the reason we sleep peacefully at night.

When I look at those people in our team, I wonder whether it is right of me to be so judgmental of them. Someone I respect very much at work once told me, that in time, all jobs become just that. A job. Routine, monotonous, boring. You can't help it. Yes, I can't blame them. After all, did they also not join this department with stars in their eyes? Did they also not feel proud that they were contributing towards the country's needs? Did the system not kill their enthusiasm, slowly, just as it does mine now?

Yes, I've seen bright people, intelligent, people who wanted to make a difference. People who saw beyond trivialities and realized this job was different. People, who got crushed by the system and eventually left. I'm not just talking about the people at my workplace. I know a naval commander and a lieutenant commander I met only once. I barely knew them. But in that brief encounter, I sensed their helplessness. They wanted to do so much, and they tried so hard, and the system beat them every single time. Both men retired from the forces early. I know bright young engineers who joined my department, and wrote programs and implemented systems and processes which are indispensable today. They've all left. No one recognized them, or their effort.

I still find submarines fascinating. I'm really lucky to be in this field. There is so much to do. But I distinctly feel myself growing dull, rusting. I'm not learning. Its becoming like any other job. 

I want to go back to college. Learn new things. Arm myself with knowledge, with the ability to change things. I'll come back to submarines, I'm not done with them yet. But I hope college will make me someone who can make a difference. I hope I come back to the submarine industry to be pleasantly surprised. Countries like Pakistan and China seem to have an assembly line for submarine manufacturing. The problem with India is that each of us is too caught up in our own problems. We need to change our perspective, see the bigger picture.

I need to become that adventurous, free spirited, thirsty for learning girl again. I need to find myself again. Its the only way ahead. The only way. I need to go back to college.

wake up call

As i stepped into this new year from the old, I wondered at how much had happened in my life. Rather eventful, I must say.

There were dreams and hopes I had last year that got crushed just as I was welcoming the new year. I was experiencing the sweetest dream of my life, and I had to wake up.

There are now new dreams, far more important, that I must now focus on.

I've been a child far too long now. I must grow up. I need a crash course in maturity. Right NOW.

I have been blessed with so many friends who love me more than I really deserve. They travel for hours in hot dusty trains to see me. They meet me just to ask how I'm doing. They come from Chennai, Gujarat, Andhra Pradesh, everywhere.

They carried me through my school years. They loved me no matter how difficult I was and have been.

They are my pillars of strength. And I've abused that to the hilt.

So, if you're reading this, then know that i love you, all of you, immensely, and always have. All the time you worried about my happiness and I never once asked how things were going with you.

All of them had far more important things to deal with, emotionally and otherwise, yet I never bothered once.I have been selfish.

Everyone who loved me, I took them for granted.

Someone recently made me realize this, and I shall be ever grateful to him. Every minute I spent with him has taught me something new, and I shall cherish all those wonderful moments. He is a most wonderful person.

He put me back on track. Where I should be. And I do hope I shall not wander again.

I must introspect again.

WHAT DO WE WANT?/ GROWING UP

I've spent a whole five minutes wondering how the hell to start. Dunno if the title is ok. So here goes nothing.

 

Childhood is very simple. Everyone takes decisions for you. You aren't aware enough to care whether these are good or bad for you, so you accept everything that is given with faith and happiness.

But we can’t afford to be children for too long, you know. Someday, we start wanting things of our own accord. "I want to live alone, I want a car, I don't want people to meddle, I want to travel the world, go to the Himalayas, be Richard Branson and Audrey Hepburn, all at the same time". So we start taking our own decisions.

 

Some decisions are easy, some are not, but they have to be taken. With freedom and money, responsibility also comes along. But it does so very, very quietly. Most of us don't realise its presence. And when we refuse to do so inspite of knowing, it puts us through hell and high water...

Sometimes our elders refuse to allow us to grow up and be responsible. No father ever wants to lose his daughter and no mother wants to let go of her boy. But these are the very people who do their children more harm than good.

I've been very lucky, because I had the opportunity to grow, I got freedom at the right time, I got hurt, I made friends, I fell down flat, then got up, dusted myself and moved on to learn better. Every experience I've had has contributed to me becoming more responsible, a more complete person. I'm still discovering myself and I've barely scratched the surface, but the journey is simply brilliant. Sometimes it’s exhilarating, sometimes it almost kills me. But I’ve learnt that I must allow myself every experience to become who I am. Who I can be.

Today, I have all the freedom I want. Sometimes it scares me crazy. Totally creeps me out. I am all too aware of the responsibilities that come along with it, and I’m afraid I may not live up to myself, forget others.

I still have trouble picking out a pair of jeans or ordering from the menu when I go out with friends. I barely know what I want, and i DEFINITELY DO NOT KNOW what’s good or bad for me.

Sometimes I wonder, what the hell am I to do with so much freedom? I don’t know what I want! There are some people I’ve met who seem so cocksure about what they want in life, and I feel jealous of them. Really, if we all had all the freedom we wanted, would we know exactly what to do with it? I've even met someone who has all the freedom, but wishes there were something/ someone to hold him back, because he feels his freedom is slowly losing its value.

Growing up. Freedom. What we want and what we don't. All intertwined in one great unending, messy, bittersweet web that we all call LIFE.

PS: tintin is getting to be a really good pal. I’ve found my hero in the department kinda sorta wish i could be a bit more like him:) i've taken over tintin's seat. Full kabza!:) vendetta takes a lot of nonsense from me, poor thing will be bald soon! Feels good to talk to stick man. Have to call calculator man. It’s been a long time. Have to make more bookmarks to avoid expedition and be happy. And I want a big yellow book instead of a gaudy screaming pink book!

trying to stay afloat :)

On the 11th of january, i was transferred from my happy job to my sad job. "Underwater?" , I asked. "Are you mad? I dont even know how to stay afloat, forget swimming".

"Oh it'll be great!", they said. Bloody HR guys, so out of touch with any human emotion.

So, for the first few weeks, I resisted. I fought with myself, I screamed from inside. I went mad. Then, suddenly, one day, I gave up. Simply. Just like that. I came home and started making bookmarks. I decided that my job did not dictate my life.

And well, to my surprise, when I stopped resisting, I started floating. I slowly am finding myself again. I smile in the mornings. I read coelho, discuss his theories with like minded people. I'm reading a lot now. Something I never had much time for in college. Feels nice.

I'm finding things to be happy about.

I call stick man and smile when I hear his voice. I found someone who can write really good mails for the bookmarks. Stick man says its part of the bookmarketing :).

Right now, life is mixed. There are undercurrents, but the surface is smooth. And I dont mean this in a sinister way. All I'm saying is, when I stopped worrying, everything fell in its place. Things took care of themselves.

Sometimes I forget that god is there. I forget that he's the one taking the decisions, and guiding me. I'm his child, his precious child, and he will take care of me always. I pray now that even if sometimes I forget to hold his hand, he must hold mine.

When I was under a torrent of worries and emotions recently, I kept trying to find solutions. Then I remembered him. I simply poured it out to him. To my mister god. And I know i'll be ok. Simple, blind, unswerving faith. I'll be taken care of. God simply wont let go of me.

I must never ever forget him.Ever.

cherished practices and some realisations

I love the music flowing into my ears, (I realised this just two days ago) like a rippling river, while my eyes are closed. I feel light, my spirit lifts. Its almost like I'm flying.
The above is, of course, subject to the music being good.(read: no rock/heavy metal/death metal/ any other type of metal or minerals)
I love soft, lilting classical music.(read: Kadri Gopalnath's saxophone, Morning Raaga).

Every morning, during my bus ride to office, I pass the lakes at Airoli and Powai. The sight fills me with a deep sense of calm and peace. Its lovely and well.... quite indescribable.

I'm grateful and thank god everyday for giving me such a wonderful bunch of people at work. My seniors and my bosses (rocker J and Drummer J), they allow me to still be a college student, indulging all my childish and immature whims and fancies, never berating me even once. They dont even raise their eyebrows in dissapproval.

I love roaming the markets and streets aimlessly with my mom on fridays and saturdays.

I realise that i'm basically a very intense, passionate person, in all respects. When i'm sad, i'm deathly sad. When i'm lonely, I can literally hug trees or kiss my pillow for keeping me company. When I dance, I can go on till I drop dead. When i'm happy, I can literally clap my hands in glee like a kid who got her favorite icecream. When I feel peace, i'm the Dalai Lama.

I'm looking for substitutes for clapping my hands.( I sense its not very becoming of me).

I LOVE ICE-CREAM.

I type with two fingers.
I'm mellowing down in many ways.

I love having pasta and sizzlers for lunch with stick man, calculator man, and ice man for company.

I love having pasta and sizzlers, for dinner with my school gang of girls who are practically my soul mates now.

I'm afraid, nay, phobic about commitment. This has a few exceptions, understandably. but then again, you cant expect Milind Soman, Richard Gere, or Mickey Mouse to fall for you.

Making bookmarks makes me feel contented and peaceful.

I love playing "mendikot" (a card game) throughout the night into the wee hours of the morning with my college friends. Even though I lose almost always.

I love reading and devour books with an unbelievable ferocity. They transport me to another world, make me lose track of time.

When a certain "honey" flavoured person I just met for a few minutes, remembers me enough to search me out with great effort, it makes me feel nice. Heck, who does'nt like attention and wooing? I'm pleasantly surprised though, I always thought I was a plain jane.

Shit, I still haven't finished the specifications for distribution boards, LT switchgear, and LV cables.

introspective ramblings

Its been quite some time since I blogged, even though there's a lot going on that I would like to write about.
But I found a diary, from a dear old friend and so went the old fashioned way of putting pen to paper for some time.

Now back to blog time.

Topic 1:

A recent e-mail from a stick insect in bata shoes, a conversation with two other people who matter has put me in an introspective mood of late. Now, theres nothing wrong with introspection, but what if your mind takes you in an unnecessary direction?
This is exactly what my mind did when I started thinking about, well, my life in general.
So I spent a few days, in complete emotional turmoil hating myself for having started this process of introspection, and not being able to stop it or even control the process.
But for the past three days or so, my mind seems to have taken an about turn.
I feel quite positive or at least the bad stuff doesn't bother me so much. I'm thankful for where I am placed in my life right now, and am extremely aware that there are so many people my age who don't have all the luxuries that I take for granted.

Topic 2:

What I always wanted from a job, was that I should never feel like going back home. when I get to office, I want to be so consumed and absorbed in what I do that i aint waiting for the clock to strike 5:10pm.
But thats not happening in my job right now. I have a great boss, all my senior colleagues are encouraging, i'm doing good work and all that rot, but somehow, i'm waiting for 5:10pm. So I can catch the first bus to go home.I know i'm not passionate about my job. Am I judging my job too early? Should I give myself more time to settle in? Dunno.


But somehow I just have this gut feeling my "thing" is out there somewhere, calling to me, screaming to me, and I am simply unable to hear. And I want to hear it so bad. So bad. I feel like I am running out of time. Have you ever felt that? Like sand slipping away form between your fingers?It makes you feel so restless. And so lazy. At the same time. I know i'm threatening to get into a rut, and I have to do something to save myself. But what?

So i've made a list of things to do. And i'm going to put a conscious effort in that direction. This list wont necessarily lead me to my calling, but my instinct says this is the path on which i'm to be right now.

Topic 3:

1. Make atleast 7 bookmarks every week.
2. Jog for atleast half an hour everyday. (this i've already started.)
3. Start gathering materials for the big billi next year.
4. Practice dance atleast twice a week.
5. Learn to love my job.
6. Buy a book every month.
7. Go out to eat once a week.
8. concentrate on textiles and fabrics while shopping. all aspects.

There must be many more here. But let me start with this and then take it from there.

So everybody who's reading this, pray that i follow all my items on my list to the T.

Till next time then,
Love, Peace and lotsa hugs!
Muffet.

random venting and mixed emotions...:) :(

Three months back, I had no job, nothing to do except wait for one to come along, listen to my folks gently reminding me everyday what a useless wastrel I was turning into, and sometimes hang out at the cafe with my friends.
Then one day, 10:30am, Lunch and Tea called me back into their company to prepare idlis and dosas for them. Boy, how ecstatic I was. I thought I finally did it. I had achieved the one thing every engineer dreams in these tough times. I got a job! Whats more, my best friend (stick man) got in too! A month later, another best friend gets his call! what more could I want, right?

wrong.I was so totally wrong.
screw the punctuations and grammar now.

i'm not saying i dont like my job. no. i love my job. i have a sweet boss(looks like a cute walrus), who's very encouraging and doesnt even raise his voice if i mess up. my senior colleagues are super kind and helpful, and answer me indulgently every time i go to them with my world famous stupid questions.

but something is so missing.
i dont go to jughead's now. sizzlers dont feel so special now, they have started making me feel nostalgic. hence every time i have a sizzler, the person with me has to bear my incessant ranting on how i enjoyed sizzlers with stick man and orange. and how stick man would eat the chlormints after the meal.how some people can actually finish an entire sizzler themselves, and what not.

shit, i feel like a loser with no life.

theres no stick man. he's become a voice i listen to everyday. and its not just him. even people who live close by, i cant meet them because the day suddenly seems shorter. most times i cancel meeting them, i dont even know why. it seems like too much effort to socialise. its just not like me.

i miss stick man terribly. i miss K for his taunts and his bear hugs and his advice mode. i miss P because now theres no one to pour my heart out to. theres no one here who surprises me with fake but full of love shining diamond rings, letters and smiles on my birthday.

its not that they are dead. believe me, i have so many people here that i can socialise with. but its just not the same. its like when you go shopping to bandra, but if your best friend girl gang aint there, it just aint that much fun.

i hate being so emotional. i hate it. i dont make bookmarks now. i've almost forgotten my dream clothes shop. my restaurant dream aint doing too well either.

its so funny. and its so sad. i finally have a great job, i'm learning so many new things, i'm finally a small cog in the wheel of a giant industrial corporate firm.
but somehow somethings missing. its like the zing's gone or something.
but i must look ahead.
its not like your friends are dead, dumbass, i tell myself.
and remember, you have a stage performance coming up in january, in the mecca of classical dance!
and i earn my own money now.
so things are nice. but sometimes they get sad.
hence i write. now i feel better. atleast i think so.
so, i'll stop being stupid and stop calling people who live outside the state thus saving on my phone expenses.
yes, i said the word "saving". and i just bought two cargo shorts that i dont need at all today.

another thing that i've been mulling over is this-" why do we always want things we never know we'll get? we realise that we're seeing this unattainable dream, we know we're being stupid but we still do it. women fantasise that they'll get married to a superhero hrithik roshan, even though he's happily married with kids.heck, even i hope richard gere will become straight one day. even in real life, i'm dreaming an impossible dream of being with an impossible man."
why are we the way we are? atleast as far as the above thought is concerned?

LOVE

so it's diwali night now. i can hear crackers in the background, colours and lights everywhere. its my favourite festival.so for all you people reading this, have a blissful, joyous, happy diwali!

love.
the most unending, elusive, mysterious that we all love and hate all the time.
loss.
something that we deal with, because we have to for everyones sake.

but when both come together, it makes for a painful combination.
today my grandmother was discharged from the hospital with a clean chit of health, so yaaaay.
but today is also one day closer to the date that my best friend will leave bombay, beloved, addictive bombay and go to the land of diamond merchants and khaman dhokla. and i may not see him in a long time now.

i completely hated him from my guts when i first met him in my engineering class. he kept showing the finger to every teacher, and seemed arrogant.then, in the second year he ditched me for a technical presentation. and i was left in front of all my professors and i couldnt talk for more than 30 secs on electromagnetic interference.
i hated him more.

but somehow, at some point, the equation changed. he was and has been the only person till date who completely accepted me with all my faults.the only person who reminds me to do my eyebrows. the only person who calls me a bitch, a whore and can still get away with it. the person who taught me to be an adult and a child at the same time. the only person who taught me not to care a damn about the world. and then some.

with him, i learned to love the trains. i learned to believe in myself. with him, i roamed the streets of bombay and fell in love with the city. i bought books from the roads, i spent hours in the meuseums, learnt how to learn, learned not to be afraid of myself, and i also learned that it was ok to be so.

he's not my boyfriend.and never will be. i doubt whether my boyfriend (whenever that will happen) will love me like he did. and i seriously doubt if my boyfriend can make fun of  my armpits.
but i love him. unconditionally. as is. no change required.

he's a brilliant writer, an eccentric dreamer with a heart of gold. and if you knew him the way i do, you'd say the same. he's my wierd and wonderful stick man. a refugee stick insect on bata sandals, kicking dirt on the borivli platform.

i know he's not going away forever. i know this is too melodramatic. but i will miss his everyday presence in my life. and i know he'll miss me.

love and loss.

being yourself

How many of us wear masks? Well, for starters, Amitabh Bacchan definitely does, if the bombay times is to be believed. How does this mask come to be? Or the more important question here is, how do we manage to remain our true selves without screwing up the masked person? Can we really pull off such an impossible task? Apparently, yes. In fact, most of us are doing it 24/7.

Ok lets start from the basics. When we were children, we never really cared what others thought of us as long as we could play, get toys, etc. And guess what? Most people I know love children. So children dont have this impossible task of building an alternate personality. They got along fine, right?

Then we grew up. Now we had to care about whether our teachers, friends thought of us.We may not have wanted to, but society has this way of conditioning you to the point where it seems utterly necessary that other people think youre a good kid. Ok, I still understand the point. The changes expected from a kid werent that much and mostly restricted to academics.

Enter the adolescent. Now we want to look cool. Or worse, we actually want to impress someone or a set of someones.And most teenagers can bend themselves backwards trying to fit in. Thankfully, this phase passes through.

Now, all these experiences we have shape us into who we are essentially. It may not be as good as we want it to be, but its who we are. And for better or for worse, I think we should love who we are. I do.

Suppose being who we are doesn't work to our advantage? Then what does one do?

Some extremely smart ass human beings thought over this problem and came up with a simple solution. Change.

That simple, huh. But there's a catch. You can't change actually. What you have to change is the perception of people around you. Now, this is easier said than done.

Most times, it may imply that you say or do things that you never otherwise would have said or done. And when you are saying or doing it, it feels fake. It feels like you're cheating yourself, and there is a constant fear of being caught in the act.

But as people of the world, we must bring about this change.because its the only way of protecting your actual self from changing. This is sad but true.Because we are constantly bombarded by people who are waiting to judge us, and we don't have the time to let them understand where we are coming from. So change people, its what everyone is doing now!
The important thing is not to lose yourself in this change. Remember at all times that you're inside that mask and it must come off in front of people you love.

We also change for a variety of other reasons.I have a lot of qualities that I dont like. There are parts of me that are dirty, from inside. My heart and soul aren't ideal. There is an unwanted amount of hate, bitterness, sadness, fear and anger that I suppress most times. But people who know can find out. And when you have to be emotionally naked, it saps you of all courage. Not because the other person knows. No, that's not it. It's because I have to finally face what I hid from myself all these years. It's a part of me that I consciously chose to ignore. I know I have to face it someday, but I keep postponing it. The day I manage to look at all that filth in my heart and make peace with it, I know I'll be a better person. I know I'll be complete, whole.

I'm a dancer.Hence, I need to emote a lot. For years, I was only taught to dance to devotional songs, because that was the one emotion I had been experiencing from the time I was a child and could easily relate to. After learning dance for almost 13 years, my teacher asked me to perform a romantic number. During the rehearsals, I would always end up giggling at the parts where Radha was supposed to feel shy. Believe me, I didn't laugh because I was a teenager and naive. I laughed because I could never understand how anyone could have such love for anyone else.It seemed almost too filmi for me. I struggled to relate. I could never portray intense emotions such as anger, love hate, or disgust. And it killed me from inside because I wanted to be able to portray them badly. When a dancer goes on stage, she can't lie, my teacher used to say. She becomes vulnerable to the audience, because she is an open book. Whatever she feels, it has to be in front of them. For a long time, I wanted to understand why I couldn't portray love. The love between a man and a woman.
Then, once my teacher told me I have to open myself to experiencing these emotions. As a person, when confronted by say, extreme sadness, we tend to create a fortress around our heart and don't even allow ourselves inside it. We don't allow ourselves to feel. And only if I feel, I can understand. Only if I understand and experience, I can emote.

I don't know if I'm ready to allow myself to experience these emotions. As long as that is there, I'll never be a better dancer. But I'm scared to reveal me to myself. I'm afraid I'll hate me, I'll judge myself for all the dirty things inside me.

And unfortunately, I can only wash the dirt that's on the outside. The dirt inside me stays and I dont know how to go about cleaning it.

BEING YOURSELF

WHAT HAPPENED TO SIMPLE FAITH IN GOD?

I recently went to a small town north of Kerala, where an ashram is located(Anandashram). My family has been going there for a long time and it a spiritual haven of sorts. In addition, it is lush with greenery throughout the year, located at the base of a hill and literally is paradise on earth if you ask me.

The reason I went there was to seek our spiritual master's blessing before I started my very first job and also for some quiet time away from the crowded, noisy city.
In Anandashram, there are various activities that go on throughout the day that people can engage themselves in. One of these is a reading satsang. Swamiji reads out aloud from texts written by great saints and spiritual masters, and after reading a small portion, there is an interactive session.

It is one such interactive session that got me thinking about the topic in question. GOD. SIMPLE FAITH.

During the interactive session, an attempt is made to understand what the writer tries to convey through the text. Now, this is easier said than done. To top it, people come up with all sorts of unimaginable questions!
Now, this reading is one of the things I look forward to most whenever I go to ashram. For me, it provides an insight into the minds of the greatest men in the world. But I never question.

This time, during the session, an elderly man, apparently quite well read, asked swamiji why ego was an unnecessary quality that all of us posess. Don't we need it in daily life? He even went on to say that in the dvaitha philosophy ( where god and the devotee are separate as opposed to the advaitha philosophy where the seeker and god are supposed to be one), posession of ego is advocated for daily life. Then he asked why 'god realization' could not be attained with ego.What does ego have to do with being humble? After this, many other people came up with such questions and it went on.

Needless to say, I was baffled by all of this. How and why someone comes up with these questions is beyond my realm of understanding. I know a variety of people with varying degrees of belief, and I have never understood why this whole confusion/ curiosity about god exists in people's mind.

What happened to simple faith? God is a concept/ guiding force that is constantly with us everywhere (omniscient and omnipresent). God makes us believe that we must be good human beings as far as possible. When we get into difficult situation god gives us the courage to face it and solve the problem. Thats it. God is a guiding force that takes care of everyone and everything in the universe. Go pray everyday, thank god for making your life good and pray that he'll always be with you. Thatsit. That's what I believe and will do so for as long as I breathe and live.

That's all we had in the beginning. Simple faith. It came pre-installed in us when we were born. Then when, how, and why did we lose it?

What happened to simple faith? Why do people find it so difficult to believe that faith is all you need to face anything in life. Faith that nothing will be bad, faith that everything is for the good, faith that as long as we have faith, we'll be ok.

Faith is the need of the hour. Simple, unshakeable, strong faith in god.
But, does it really exist in today's world?

i am lost

this blog is in desparate need of vision, direction and focus.

so until something really comes pouring out of soul, i wont be keen on writing about mundane things that happen in my life.

until inspiration beckons, ciao!

Quick gun Murugan?

so yesterday night i finally went for the movie detailing the misadventuring of an indian cowboy!

i was looking forward to the movie for quite some time, but sadly, it didnt live up to my expextations.

the main character, an outrageously dressed gun toting, vegetarian cowboy is an excellent concept. for that matter, all the characters are fantastic.

the villian, rice plate reddy, is the typical south indian villian of the 80s, and the mannerisms like the laugh, the greed, etc are very on the spot.

apart from that, theres gunpowder who loves non-veg, is the villian's no 1 guy, and hes forcing all the udipi hotels to sell non veg dosas! sadly he gets killed by the hero within the first 10 minutes of the movie.

then theres locket lover, anu menon, our very own lola kutty. shes brilliant, but shes not around too much.sad.

then theres mango dolly, the bar dancer and rice plate reddy's "keep" who has a heart of gold. predictably, she falls in love with quick gun and dies at the end in his arms.

rowdy mba does his part perfectly.

point is, the characters are par brilliance, the acting is great, but somehow, something is "missing"?
it just doesnt mesh well. maybe it needs mothers love? hehe.

apart from that, the other important is that to most south indians who watch tamil channels, this stuff if there everyday.that exactly was my father's point. throughout the movie, he kept wondering why people would pay to see something that was on sun tv and ktv everyday?

so the movie does have a few ribtickling moments. and there were people in the theater howling with laughter. i just dunno why.

anyway, my advice is this- if you're a south indian, dont go to the movies. rent it or watch it when it comes on tv. if you're from some other part of india then go see it but dont expect too much.

thatsit for this blog. the next one will most prolly be a detailed discussion on toilets! yep you heard it right!

the mini reunion

today the major population of my class turned up at college, to collect their marksheets, distribute sweets and in general have a good time.

it felt great to meet up with people, especially the ones i havent seen since the day of the last paper.
we basically lazed around, discussed the latest rumours, and such goings on for most of the morning.

then our stomachs started to rumble, and we popped over to ramdev's, a local hotel, for a spot of lunch.
i was and still am amazed by the amount of food men eat! i mean seriously, do they have expandable stomachs or what? they just keep eating and never feel full. and the most unfair part is that it doesnt even show yaa. do they or do they not know that the stomach is the size of two palms?

anyway, after a good, scrumptious lunch, we went over to the local club where a few others from our class were having some drinks and gupshup.

after lazing around for a while there, i came back home, watched the jackson show on travel and living.
and here i am!

most of my classmates hav started working and the change in their general appearance and demeanour is quite noticable and is a most welcome change. :)
it makes one wonder what magic powder these corporates use to turn absolute lukkhas into courteous human beings.

guess i'll find out on 11th september!

ciao!

this song is brilliant and i always read it when i feel happy, sad, sombre, jumpy or just need that dash of hope and faith!

 I HOPE YOU DANCE

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

lotsa stuff happened!

On july 24th last year i was placed in Larsen and Toubro, an engineering giant in india, through college placement. it was one of the best moments of my life when i was informed of my placement as a graduate engineer in L&T.

Sadly, along came the recession and and out went my precious job. we got dumped with unceremonious deferment letters from the company in january, thus crashing all our dreams of a career.
at the time, i was also placed in infosys, a reputed IT company and was due to start training in december this year. with the recession riding high, i prepared myself mentally to let go of larsen and toubro and began to accept that despite being an electrical engineer, i would be typing code at the end of the day.

but life has its own ways of taking you by sweet surprise. day before yesterday, i got a call from L&T informing me that my deferment was now being undeferred. (sorry, my english fails me when i need it the most). basically, i got my job back!

whopee!

so over the past two days, i was busy collecting my appointment letter and getting sundry documents ready for joining the company.

so thats one good news.
thats actually one great news!

but all said and done, i experienced a very mild form of the recession. so i really have no right to complain.

there are people having years of experience who got kicked out of their jobs for no fault of theirs. these are people who have mouths to feed and children to send to school. almost everyday, my father gets a call from some such affected person asking for any opportunities that might have arisen. and invariably, my father has a tough time answering them.

i guess i should thank god. i'm really lucky to be where i am right now in life. i got more opportunities and comforts than half the kids in the country. i got a shot at choosing my destiny.

i really am blessed.

also a few dance shows got scheduled so thats great news!
now i just hope my boss at lunch and tea is kind enough to grant me leave when i need it for dance. i dont care if he asks me to work new years eve instead.

and someone told me i should consider using proper punctuation and stuff when i write.
Mr. Someone, I tried in the first paragraph, but it took an awfully long time. Will keep trying though.

i also had an interesting discussion with someone about soulmates.
paulo coelho, who is one of my favourite authors has written a book called brida, which puts forth a very believable concept regarding soulmates.

i really have no theory about soulmates and dont really know what to believe, but i hope that when the moment comes when i meet my soulmate, i'll know its him and i hope i'll have the courage to acknowledge it.

though right now i really dont, i hope i'll believe in true love someday and be lucky enough to experience it.

till the next post then,
this is the average girl.

Who’s the real god?

Today I went to Bandra, Pali hill to be specific, for my dance rehearsal.

I learn Kuchipudi, FYI.

Anyway, sometime during practice we got talking about how I’ve been going there for rehearsal for the past four years and still haven’t seen any famous star?

My teacher, Shanta Misra said she herself hasn’t seen anyone but mentioned that her maid had seen all the stars.

Salman, ranbir, sanjay dutt, saif Katrina, ash, you name them she’s seen them. Even if it was just a glimpse.

Then she said the strangest thing, “ didi agar aapko filmistar dekhna hai, to durga puja ke time aap podar school ke pandal aao. Wahan aap durga maa ke saamne khade rahoge to aap sab star dekh paaoge. Kajol, rani, sab aate hain. Mere husband bhi kal ganesh visarjan pe gaye the to unhone salman ko dekha full family ke saath.”

This got me thinking. Are we giving our stars so much attention in our lives that we have forgotten god. Noone wants to go to durga pujo to pray to the godess and seek her blessings but just to look at the rich and famous? Have we really become that shallow.

In tamil nadu, fans have built temples to show their love for rajnikanth and khushboo. When sivaji, the rajnikanth starring blockbuster released, a theater owner performed puja , broke coconuts and poured milk on the star’s photo.

Have these mortals really replaced god in today’s world?

These people have literally entered every nook and cranny of our life and we don’t even realize it. In fact, we knowingly allow them to rule our lives. And they bask in the glory.

Ok don’t get me all wrong here. I’m not an anti-filmstar or a fanatic. I also see movies, dance to popular tunes and stuff. My point is this- where does appreciation turn into worship?

I am learning classical dance and have been doing so for the past 14 odd years. And I’m in love with it. To be an artist one has to be truly blessed and lucky. When I dance, I forget, I’m in love with myself and the feeling of dancing to rhythm is indescribable.

So I’m not against any star. But we have stopped appreciating their talent and instead worship their looks, lifestyle and other unwanted stuff.

So when shahrukh does a sweet Punjab power surinder sahni, or sanjay does a munnabhai, or rani does a black, do we ever think about what they must have gone through, experienced themselves, to create these characters, nay phenomenon?

Do we think about the creative process behind or are we simply an audience uninformed about art?

Most people I know don’t even  think about acting as an art. All we think is, “ wow kya life hogi yaar?”, or about how kareena achieved size zero. How lame. And we even build temples and worship these people for all the wrong reasons.

As for ganpati bappa, I suppose he’ll have to vie for attention in competition with rani and kajol.

All the best lord ganeshji.

GANPATHI BAPPA MORYA!